I was recently asked to do a post on ~relationships~, but more importantly, turning your crush into your partner.
Partner for a week, partner for a night, life partner, DON’T MATTER! This specifically doesn’t apply to picking up someone at a bar, but my future posts surely will.
^^ How to pick up someone at a bar
Ok ok serious time.
Let it be said, I hope my advice is read and taken advantage of by everyone regardless of gender. But I personally am a woman who has experience with men. Das it. So that is the perspective I will be sharing from.
For everyone getting their panties in a bunch at “catch you a man” because “YOU KNOW WHAT. THIS IS THE ISSUE WITH THE PATRIARCHY. THIS IDEA THAT WOMEN HAVE TO CHASE MEN AND WHEN THEY ARE WITH US THEY ARE “CAPTIVES”. THAT WE AREN’T WORT-”
It is a phrase. And it’s funny!!! Nut up.
So let us begin.
Different goals require different tactics. And while I don’t think it is healthy to think of your everyday interactions w/ your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner as “tactics”, thats not what I’m talking about.
This is about the beginning stages- when the person you have your eyes on isn’t quite on your leash. The courting, the oh-so-important time where you either snag your boo or let them slip out of your grasp. So here I am giving you what I think is the most valuable piece advice I can give as to how to attract your mate.
Interestingly enough, this isn’t something you should do. This is something you shouldn’t do.
The biggest no-no I see people commit is focusing too much on getting someone’s attention. That is a recipe for DISASTER. See, the secret isn’t necessarily in how to turn your partner on, it’s making sure you aren’t turning your desired partner off.
In the grand scheme of things, the flirting and other “attracting” efforts are virtually useless if you do the following. You can have your text, glam, and first date game all on 1000 but none of it matters if you never get there. This is one thing people seem to think is a good idea (idk why), but is actually the biggest obstacle between you and the person you are pining for. I am here to address it. Rule #1.
The subtweeting… the broody quotes… the horrible captions like “if only you knew.”
Do you remember 2007 when we all put angsty song lyrics in our AIM away messages, hoping our crush would see it? Well I was…. 13 in 2007? Did it work? And if it did, DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO USE TACTICS THAT I THOUGHT WOULD ATTRACT A 13 YEAR OLD BOY!?!?
Spare the internet quotes about how you’re independent and don’t need no man, or how you know your worth, or how you will treat your next man so good. Your attributes speak for themselves. People learn these things when they get to know you. This isn’t a job application, please don’t broadcast your love resume. Let’s take a look at some examples:
-10 additional points if you include cursive font and pink backgrounds.
WHY is this the biggest NOPE in my book?
It is immature. It is possibly the lowest level and most tactless attempt at flirting. Here’s why.
It shows a concrete lack of confidence. To you women out there that have some expectation that the man you want has to approach you, and it is just your job to ~secretly~ let him know he should do so- you are WRONG!!! If you are afraid of showing your cards because you think having your feelings unreciprocated would be hurtful or embarrassing, toughen the fuck up. I am perplexed by any belief that we should go about beginning relationships and attracting mates in such a way as to minimize chances of rejection. No. Rejection is part of the game. Hate to break it to you, but odds are that if someone is going to reject you, they were going to do it whether or not you played coy mind games. In fact, mind games will probably increase the chances of “rejection”.
I put “rejection” it in quotations because i disagree with the sentiment the word carries. Let’s check out the definition of rejection.
ok… so now lets check out the word spurn.
Since when is it wrong to not want to hook up with/date/get to know someone?? Why is being hurtful built in to the way we describe a person not returning our affections? Now, being cold and cruel to someone who put themselves in a vulnerable situation makes you objectively a bad person. But I personally know that I am not owed anyones affections. I have been the person to not get a call back after a first date (even when I thought it went really well!), I have been broken up with, guys have ghosted on me for what seemed like no reason (there’s always a reason, and it isn’t necessarily your fault or anything you did). It definitely isn’t pleasant when someone chooses not to reciprocate feelings, but I am grateful that I didn’t waste any more time than necessary with someone that ultimately didn’t want me. In fact, more often than not people have let me down swiftly and with tact. I respect them for that. (I have tried to do the same when in their position!) (Also, if guy after guy keeps rejecting you in shitty, immature ways- remember you are the constant in this situation. You are choosing poor partners. Choose differently.)
Remember: Relationships require two voluntary participants. There’s a lot of uncool reasons to not be with someone, but regardless of the reason, WHY BE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU?! FOR ANY REASON!
Anyway, back to the topic of being upfront with your feelings.
If he is turned off by you being the first one to make your feelings known, then he is either:
- Not that into you
Either way, move on.
I have never met one dude worth being with that is hung up in the “conquerer” machismo mess. If that is for you, we are very different people, and you should probably stop reading now.
What do I want?
I want a partner. An equal. Someone confident in themselves, what they have to offer, and what they want. Someone who isn’t intimidated by me having that same confidence.
When you love yourself, you have no issue putting what you have on the table and knowing you will be okay whichever way it goes. You have the power to see who is worthy of your affections, time, and love.
FYI: everyone knows that the people posting these things are thirsty. Except the poster.
If I were to see someone I am interested in posting these things, I would immediately be over them. Like, instantly.
More examples? OK!
GET THE POINT?!?!
Don’t forget, song lyrics aren’t allowed either.
Here’s what you either don’t know, or are in denial about.
- Your crush isn’t sitting around like *tee hee! Could this be about me?* No. They either know its about them and think “… why doesn’t she talk to me”, or “thats weird”, or “yikes, next.”
- If your crush knows it is about them, doesn’t talk to you, and isn’t responsive to you trying to talk to them, they either don’t like you or don’t want what you’re offering. Nothin wrong with that! Maybe you want a monogamous relationship and they aren’t trying to sign up for that. Perhaps you want to hook up and they have deeper feelings for you and don’t want to get their feelings hurt. They may be receptive if you modify your expectations, or it may not change anything at all.
- Are there nuances? Sure. You know what those nuances are called? Games. Im gonna switch it up for you: don’t hate the game, hate the player. People play games because they work. Don’t let them work on you.
Bottom line: YOU ARE AN ADULT! And desperation is not attractive. I personally don’t like the fact that people are punished for openly wanting to be in a relationship, but that’s the way it is. You can complain about the system, but pimp it too. Sometimes you gotta ask, Would you rather be happy, or be right?
ONE EXCEPTION: If you are gonna subliminal message your *future boo*, don’t make it very subliminal. Make sure they know that you want them to know. Make it a power move. Show them you aren’t scared. Just don’t embarrass them, and no cheesy quotes.
Now subscribe below, because you know you want part 2.